ROSCOE'S CHICKEN AND WAFFLES

My friend and I decided to get high last week and go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles at 1am in the morning. We have talked about doing this ever since we moved to school We had heard that it was a really good meal and an interesting experience in general. So we looked up the directions on the Internet because we're dorks and found out where the closest locations were. We left at about 1am and arrived at the Roscoe's in Hollywood about fifteen minutes later. We drove by slowly and got dirty looks from everyone outside. We stopped and talked about it and figured out that we should have come sooner in the night. We got scared and thought it would be better to check out another location. On the ride there we figured out that there is a positive correlation to the time at night and the shadiness of people eating at Roscoe's chicken and waffles (see graph).
We finally got the courage to park and go into the Roscoe's off of La Brea and Pico, which is definitely the one to go to late at night. It turned out to be one of the best meals I have had in a while. I felt several pounds heavier after leaving, but I was too satisfied to know the difference. I encourage everyone to visit Roscoe's soon, order either the 'scoes combo #1 or #2. Trust me, its delicious.

I APPRECIATE THINGS LIKE THIS

This poem got this guy fired from Apple Computers. He's actually pretty funny and a good public speaker.

MY CLEANING LADY STEALS

In my apartment at school, it was in our lease agreement that we must have a cleaning lady come in and clean our place once every other week. I am really good about cleaning up after myself, so she doesn't usually have much of a job to do when she comes in. The housing company makes its tenants have a cleaning service because its less expensive than repairing damages or replacing dirty carpet at the end of a lease.

For some unknown reason to me, our cleaning lady gets on my nerves. I couldn't tell you why, she just does. The only thing that she does that warrants any sort of hatred towards her is the fact that she steals our cleaning supplies. She has made off with all my regular household cleaning supplies. I guess this cuts down on overhead costs for her, but it sucks for us when something gets dirty in between her visits. So what I have been contemplating is; how to confront or ask her about it. This seems like a pretty steep accusation for me to make about our cleaning lady. I would like to avoid confrontation. Also, I'm pretty sure she doesn't speak much English, and my Spanish is mediocre at best.

After extensive brainstorming, the best possible thing I could think of was to sabotage her to get her back. I was thinking about putting super glue on the top of a sponge, so if she tries to steal it will be stuck to her hand. Another idea that came to me was to fill a box of dishwater soap (one of the items she has stolen in the past) with another kind of soap that will create an excess amount of suds if she tries to use it in her own dishwasher. These are just a couple of semi-evil ideas that I will most likely not do, even though I have the time to waste completing such tasks. If anyone has any better ideas, both mature or extremely immature, please let me know.

MAKING A SCENE GETS YOU FREE STUFF

I'm at home away from school for the weekend and a new center with a bunch of restaurants close to my parents house was built recently. I went in for lunch today at this place called Johnny Rockets. Its a pretty basic diner made to look like it time traveled its way from 1955. I thought I'd give it a shot. The food ended up to be pretty good, but actually getting someone to pay attention to you was a different story. When I walked in the place was almost empty, there were only four or five tables of people eating. I sat down at a booth by myself and started to wait. About five minutes after I sat down two new sets of people sat down in the booths to my left and right. They were waited on immediately and got their food in a timely manner, which made me even more frustrated that I hadn't even received a menu (by the way, I have a theory that because I'm skinny the waiters avoid me because they think I won't order as much food and they will get less of a tip, which is completely false).
At the ten minute mark, things started to get interesting. I tried getting their attention, but in less conventional ways, because a smile and a wave just wasn't doing it for these waiters. For every minute I sat their unnoticed, I opened and poured a sugar packet into the middle of my table. This went on until the twenty minute mark, when my one-minute countdown started. I slowly started to push the glass ketchup bottle towards the end of the table. Sure enough, I hadn't even made eye contact with one Johnny Rocket's employee, so when the minute was up, my ketchup bottle crashed onto the ground and shattered. Everyone in the restaurant turned to look in my direction, while I just sat smiling at my table as though nothing had happened.
Almost immediately the manager came out and asked me if I had been helped. When I told him that I had been here for over twenty minutes (taking the time to count how many sugar packets I had opened and explaining my 'one packet per minute' strategy) he told me that my lunch was on him. I graciously accepted his offer and had the manager as my waiter for the rest of my meal.
I count this as a personal victory, and if nothing else I gave the guy a story to tell his friends about a crazy-asshole customer he had to deal with today.

2 MOVIES EVERYONE MUST OWN

There are two movies I cannot live without. They are both early '90s classics about two of my favorite things to do: surf and play volleyball. Some of the lines in the movies are so terribly awesome that I watch each movie an average of two times a week. Also, if I could raid the wardrobe for both of these movies, that is all I would wear. No joke. North Shore (1987) is about this kid from Arizona that goes to the North Shore of Hawaii and tries to surf with the professionals, and via a cheesy monologue gets really good in no time and ends up winning the Pipeline Masters. Side Out (1990) is about a kid from Milwaukee that moves to Los Angeles to work for his uncle as a lawyer, but ends up (via an equally cheesy monologue) training and winning the Jose Cuervo Classic tournament in Hermosa. One of my favorite lines in Side Out is "The Classic is four weeks away, and you're not looking very classic."

ROOMMATE PRANKS

Last year when I came to school, I got setup to live with this random kid that I had never met. He seemed like a relatively nice guy at first and we generally got along. This was before I realized how much he bugged; the kid is socially awkward and ended up never leaving the apartment. We shared a room and had this awful bunk-bed situation going on that made us pretty much hate each other by the end of the year.

The situation got bad enough that we waged war on each other. This war was not spoken about, it was a silent war that took place through pranks and subtle backhanded compliments or actions. It was much easier for me to get him, because he was always at home. Seriously, the kid never left except to go to class, work, or to get food.

One of my favorite pranks was one that worked over and over again for some reason. On the kitchen sink, I taped the pull out spray handle shut, so it would squirt straight out when he went to turn on the faucet. It was fantastic and really funny when it worked, he never saw it coming. Pretty much every time I left the house I would turn up the heater (if it was hot outside) or the air conditioning (if it was cold outside) just to make him uncomfortable. Kryptonite U-Locks (used to lock bikes) came in handy in many different fashions. Locking the refrigerator, our one bathroom, locking my bike to his so he can't use it until I unlocked it, and one night when he really pissed me off he woke up with it around his neck. This sounds mean but it was justified because of what he did the night before. Double parking my car behind his and not leaving my key was always a plus. Dixie-cupping the apartment took some effort but it was great when I took the time to do it. For those of you who don't know what this is, its when you cover the ground from wall to wall with little Dixie paper cups with water or beer. When he wakes up in the morning, he can't take one step out of bed without moving cups. There are only two ways to get out, spill all the cups or drink them one by one until you clear a pathway to get out.
I feel as though I won the prank war, and now when I see him around campus he won't even look at me. I love making new friends.

SLEEP

I have recently picked up a new hobby, sleep. I sleep on average, about 14 hours a day. Not all at once, but I'll sleep for ten or twelve hours at night, then I take my mandatory nap at my discretion. The only difference between my nap and my normal sleep is the location. Naps generally take place on my couch, but they also occur on comfy chairs and occasionally on a towel at the beach.
The weird thing is, sleeping this much has never been so fulfilling until now. When I was growing up you couldn't pay me to sleep or take a nap. The ironic thing is that's exactly what my parents are doing now. You would think that I'd feel lazy or bad about sleeping to such excess, but I don't for any reason. The only thing that makes me have the slightest regret for the amount of time I dream during the day is when my roommates get all "Carpe Diem" on me and tell me all the things they've done during the day before I wake up.
I think the reason I have increased my daily dream intake lately is because I know I'm graduating and have to enter the real world in a couple months. This might be my last chance I ever have to waste so much time and not have any consequences.

LA-DI-FREAKIN-DA

I am speechless... this is my friend from USC. So here is the setup; every year the sorority Delta Gamma nominates a select few men to be their "Anchor Man" for their annual Anchor Ball invite. Every nominee went to DG's Monday night dinner and was supposed to wear a coat and tie and give a speech. My favorite person on the planet at the moment was selected to go last and delivered the most amazing speech possible. Every girl he calls out during his Scthick has a boyfriend that was nominated as well. There is no question about it, he has to have won the hearts of every girl in the sorority. OK, I've talked his performance up enough, you have to watch the video.

I got kicked out of class AGAIN

I might be alone here, but I didn't know that people take class so seriously. I thought it would be funny to go to class and ask a bunch of questions. This has obviously been done before, so I tried to make it unique by asking all of my questions in two parts. I would say "I have a question; in two parts" then I would ask one question, then a follow-up question that had something to do with the first question. After a while, I ran out of relevant questions to ask, so I started making things up. My best example is towards the end when I was running out of things to ask. This is my question:

"How do you think TiVo will affect product placement advertising budgets in the future of television. Also, do you think the Brady Bunch will ever get back together again?"

I felt my ejection from class was well justified as well as earned.

My parents are proud. By the way, I did the same kind of maneuvers last semester and got a 4.0, so I'm running with it.

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I don't really have an explanation for posting this... I was just in the mood to see a sweet 80's clip.

BORED IN CLASS, PART oh forget it

Today's class was great, for one reason. The overly annoying kid, that sits in the back of the class with the rest of his 'sick chiller' Pike frat bro's who all try to make annoying jokes in between checking ESPN.com every two seconds to check their high school football fantasy teams, fell hard onto his face. He walked in, ten minutes late as usual, and was giving a 'what's up' to his buddies in the back row. As he was walking up the steps, I just looked at him thinking "fall, fall, fall, fall" so when he did I kind of felt bad; like I did it with my mind. He tripped on one of the steps and just went straight forward. He tried to brake his fall by grabbing for a desk, but his hand slipped and he went down.
Usually I don't laugh at other people's embarrassing accidents that result in minor injuries...wait, that's actually my favorite thing to laugh at. Anyway, I was the only one to laugh out loud in a pretty sizable lecture hall class. I got a couple dirty looks from people around me, but I thought my sense of humor was justified.

BORED IN CLASS, PART III

Today in class, I listened to at least a twenty minute conversation between the two kids in front of me as to whether they would do something for a certain amount of money. No joke, at least twenty minutes talking about this, so I had to listen to the whole conversation. Here are some of the highlights (and yes I did waste my own time in class taking notes on this conversation):

"For $10,000,000 would you drive around for the rest of your life in a baby blue convertible PT Cruiser, with the top down and a yellow surfboard in the backseat? Even if its raining, you have to keep the top down." - Neither of the kids would do it, understandably.

"For $35,000,000, for the rest of your life would you own a cat that you had to walk on a leash everywhere you went, and had matching outfits with?" -Both kids said they would do it, granted that they didn't have to pay for the cat or the cats food, clothing, etc.

The conversation of my personal favorite proposition went something like this:

Kid 1: "For $40,000,000,000 would you..."

Kid 2: "Yes"

Kid 1: "Wait a second, would you wake up every morning at 7:30am and get punted in the balls?"

Kid 2: "Who kicks me?"

Kid 1: "The wiry kicker from the movie, The Replacements" (For those of you who have never seen the movie I included a picture below)

Kid 2: "Absolutely not, and f*ck you for asking me that. Seriously man, that was messed up." (Kid 2 was actually upset, which made it so much funnier)

On another note; I hate when people ask me "What would you do with $1,000,000?" or similar questions like this. I always tell them to get lost, because the only reason anyone asks this question is to tell you what they would do with the money, like they have some great idea about spending money.

HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN

When I moved into my apartment this year the guy who lived in my room before me left a bunch of his stuff. One thing I found was an interesting book entitled How To Be a Gentleman by John Bridges. I started laughing at the thought of this book, but it only got funnier as I read page after page of the most ridiculous advice someone could give men. Some of the chapters are entitled "A Gentleman Gets Dressed" and "A Gentleman Gets Equipped." Here are a couple of my favorite quotes. Keep in mind this book is 100% serious.

"A gentleman knows how to make a grilled cheese at 2 A.M. and an omelet at 7 A.M." (so what he's telling you is that a gentleman sleeps no more than four solid hours a night)

"If a gentleman eats in bed, he always changes his sheets" (Was that a necessary use of ink in his book?)

"Unless he is a Texas Ranger or a cattle rancher, a gentleman does not wear cowboy boots with a suit." (Lucky rangers...I would kill to wear some cowboy boots with a suit. Also, what about funny cowboy themed weddings? Does it count if you're just kidding?)

And, my personal favorite...seriously I laughed for a solid ten minutes at this and called a couple friends and read this to them. They didn't think it was that funny, but they're morons. OK, here it is:

"If a gentleman can afford it, he has someone else clean his house for him." (I think if the author could afford it, he would bring back slavery)

Conclusions:

• John Bridges has way too much time on his hands.


• This is one of the best 'f*ck you' gifts you could give to a guy that hasn't quite mastered common courtesy.


• I will make my kids read this as a punishment one day.


• This book now levels my coffee table.

POTENTIAL

My friend and I were eating breakfast in a restaurant the other day and I noticed that they had those stupid motivational posters on the walls. The type of posters that will have a picture of a rock climber on a steep cliff, with the word "determination" underneath. I asked my buddy what his poster would say under his picture, and he came back with the best possible answer; potential. The next day I made this picture on my computer and sent it to him. He plans on framing it and making it into his own motivational poster.

WHO'S THE BIGGEST OVER-ACTOR?

Below are two clips of the biggest over-actors alive. David Caruso plays Horatio Cane on CSI: Miami, and Chuck Norris stars in Walker, Texas Ranger. Both shows are similarly cheesy and predictable. However, they are sort of like a bad car accident; you know you shouldn't watch, but you have to for some unknown reason.

Ever since NBC and Universal merged, Conan O'Brian has been able to show clips from Walker Texas Ranger whenever he wants, for free. He has been taking full advantage of this and some of the clips are pretty funny.




These are some of the greatest one-liners David Caruso comes up with for the beginning of the show every week.

CABO WAS FUN, BUT I'LL NEVER GO BACK

Last year, I went to Cab San Lucas for spring break. I had never gone on a college spring break before and apparently Cab is the default location for college kids to cause havoc on their parent's money for a week, so I decided to go there. The horror stories about people being robbed, kidnapped, or put in jail made me somewhat nervous about traveling to Mexico, but I got over it after my friend told me to grow up (I am a sucker for nonsensical solutions to problems). After booking a room, flight, and paying the extra money for an all-inclusive deal with the hotel it turned into a $1,300 waste of money. We were promised a great hotel room and amazing food, neither of which were true as it turns out. When we arrived to our room we found an 8x8 cell with one small bed and one huge window facing the lovely hallway of the hotel. My friends and I called it "the fish tank" because everyone walking by could see in. We also made a rule the first day that we had to keep the curtains open; for two reasons. First of all they served no purpose because there was no sunlight coming from the hallway, and second it was funny if everyone walking by could look in and see three guys sharing one bed.
The next morning I greatly improved our hotel room situation. I woke up first and decided to wake my roommates up by taking the water balloon launcher we brought and using it to shatter the coffee maker against the wall. What I didn't plan on happening was locking myself out when trying to secure the launcher to the door handle. I immediately heard laughing as the door slammed and knew that there was no chance of them letting me back in. The only thing to do then was to have a serious meeting with the hotel manager, while wearing my boxers, no shoes, and a tank top that I slept in, with the outcome being an incredible new room on the top floor with a huge balcony (which we filled with furniture that we stole from the lobby).

What really made my trip was that we let one kid stay for free (middle of picture) on the condition that he did whatever told him the entire time. Even before the trip started we told him that he wasn't allowed to bring his clothes. Instead, we told him that he had to go into his dad's closet and wear his clothes all week. We made him sleep on the balcony every night, and the maid folded and made his bed on the floor of the balcony every morning. We dressed him like every other "bro" that was in Cabo for spring break. We made him wear a puca-shell necklace, tank tops or Hawaiian shirts every day, we drew tribal armband tattoo's on his arm with permanent marker, and made him do stupid tasks like take "laps" walking around the pool with his elbows cocked out trying to look big like every other guy there. He did end up getting kicked out of almost every club we went to and went home with a black eye, but he thought it was really funny so he was a good sport about it.

This year I really don't want to go back, despite all the peer pressure to go again. I am really interested in going someplace a little more my pace this year, like Costa Rica or anywhere there aren't guys from New York that have been going to the gym and tanning salon's for the last six months to "get ready" for spring break.